Finn, Grief, Us

Part of losing a baby is grieving the loss of the experiences you thought you would have with them. In general, baby clothes usually don’t remind me of Finn. Most of the clothes I had for Finn were Jaxton’s hand-me-downs, and he never actually wore clothes after he was born since the clothing we had to choose from was way too large for him. I did buy a few outfits especially for Finn while I was pregnant, and while shopping today, I saw a “Little Brother” sleeper almost exactly like the one I had gotten for him. Not only do I grieve the things I will never experience with Finn, like dressing him that sleeper, I grieve the experiences Jaxton will never have with his little brother. I know Jaxton would have showered him with plenty of hugs and kisses and helped take care of him. He isn’t old enough to fully understand what happened to his baby brother, but we still remind him that he is a big brother and that his little brother is an angel in heaven (and can fly, that’s important).

The Little Brother sleeper Finn never got to wear

Finn

I have been able to get several photo frames updated this week! My favorite ones are these shadow box frames. We showed the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Jaxton’s newborn picture with our wedding bands around his fingers and she was able to take a similar photo of Finn. I’m so grateful to have these keepsakes of my baby boys!

Shadow Box Frames

Infant Loss, Stillbirth

As it turns out, March is Trisomy Awareness Month. I’ll try to post some facts on it even though I’m still trying to learn more about it myself, with my very rusty knowledge from college biology.

Chromosomes are thread-like structures located in the nucleus of a cell. They are made of protein specially structured to hold tightly coiled DNA. The DNA is what contains our genes. Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes, a copy from each parent, resulting in 46 total. Trisomy occurs when there are three copies of a particular chromosome. Finn had three copies of chromosome 9.

The most severe chromosome disorders are numerical abnormalities caused by the loss or gain of whole chromosomes, which can affect thousands of genes. The chromosomes are numbered from largest to smallest in size (1 to 22). The largest chromosomes contain the most genes. With Trisomy, the smaller the chromosome number impacted, the more severe the effect on development, since more genes are impacted. Half of all miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities. Numerical abnormalities are sporadic, and they do not usually recur in subsequent pregnancies. Most Trisomy 9 babies are miscarried in the first trimester, so it is difficult to estimate how many babies are affected and there isn’t a lot of information on it. Finn was a strong little baby to survive to late preterm (35 weeks)!

A karyotype describes the chromosome count that an organism has. A normal human karyotype contains 22 pairs of autosomal chromosomes and one pair of sex chromosomes (allosomes), making 46 total chromosomes. Normal karyotypes for females contain two X chromosomes and are denoted 46,XX; males have both an X and a Y chromosome which is denoted 46,XY. Since Finn was a boy with Trisomy 9 , his karyotype would be (47, XY, +9), indicating there were 47 total chromosomes with an extra 9th chromosome.

 

Finn

Today is Finn’s due date, marked by beautiful warm weather! Phillip¬†was able to hang up the swing he built, so now our baby Finn will always rock with us in spirit.¬†Finn's Porch SwingPlaque In Memory of Our Baby Finn

Finn

One month ago today, we rushed to the emergency room shortly after midnight after noticing lack of movement and failing to find the baby’s heartbeat with my home monitor. Our worst fears were confirmed when we saw our son’s unmoving heart on the sonogram screen. By that evening, we were holding our beautiful, tiny, and silent baby boy in our arms. How I wish I was still holding him in my arms instead of this piece of paper that just came in the mail. Happy first month in heaven Finn, we love you!Holding Finn Liam24Stillbirth Certificate