Six years ago today, we promised each other to stick together through the best and the worst of times. The birth of our son Finn, which should have been one of the best experiences in our relationship, simultaneously became the worst when he died. Through everything, good or bad, there’s nobody I’d rather have by my side than my hubby, Phillip. I recently looked back at our wedding book and one of the verses we chose to be read during our wedding ceremony was Song of Solomon 8: 6-7:DSC_0377

Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.
If one were to give
all the wealth of one’s house for love,
it would be utterly scorned.

Easter, the day of hope after death had seemingly stolen all hope, when love endured death and won. What a fitting day for our anniversary to fall on!

Finn, Grief, Us

Part of losing a baby is grieving the loss of the experiences you thought you would have with them. In general, baby clothes usually don’t remind me of Finn. Most of the clothes I had for Finn were Jaxton’s hand-me-downs, and he never actually wore clothes after he was born since the clothing we had to choose from was way too large for him. I did buy a few outfits especially for Finn while I was pregnant, and while shopping today, I saw a “Little Brother” sleeper almost exactly like the one I had gotten for him. Not only do I grieve the things I will never experience with Finn, like dressing him that sleeper, I grieve the experiences Jaxton will never have with his little brother. I know Jaxton would have showered him with plenty of hugs and kisses and helped take care of him. He isn’t old enough to fully understand what happened to his baby brother, but we still remind him that he is a big brother and that his little brother is an angel in heaven (and can fly, that’s important).

The Little Brother sleeper Finn never got to wear