Wow baby boy, has it really been two months already? Two months since your heart’s last beat, two months since your movements ceased? Two months since I said hello and goodbye, and held you for the last time? I spent seven months waiting to meet you, from that triple-inversion roller coaster ride that made me first suspect you were in there, to that shocking night I found out you were no more. You were always living it up in there and danced around during the ultrasounds; you had us all fooled.
You made me crave chocolate that I tried to avoid due to awful acid re-flux, which was certainly a testament to the head full of hair you were sporting at birth. You played this game where you would poke out your little feet through my belly and I would poke you back. Your big brother liked to use you as pillow (sorry about that) and listen to your “helicopter” heart beat. I’m sure you had no trouble hearing him, even over all of the womb noise. You could probably hear your daddy talking to you through my belly too.
I thought I would be bringing you home this month, but instead I’ve been back at work three weeks already. Sometimes it’s easy to forget I gave birth to you only two months ago when my reality is so different, not having you here to remind me. Even though I am two months away from when I last saw you, I’m also two months closer to when we’ll meet again. For now, enjoy the beautiful view and know I am thinking of you and loving you always. – Mommy
Part of losing a baby is grieving the loss of the experiences you thought you would have with them. In general, baby clothes usually don’t remind me of Finn. Most of the clothes I had for Finn were Jaxton’s hand-me-downs, and he never actually wore clothes after he was born since the clothing we had to choose from was way too large for him. I did buy a few outfits especially for Finn while I was pregnant, and while shopping today, I saw a “Little Brother” sleeper almost exactly like the one I had gotten for him. Not only do I grieve the things I will never experience with Finn, like dressing him that sleeper, I grieve the experiences Jaxton will never have with his little brother. I know Jaxton would have showered him with plenty of hugs and kisses and helped take care of him. He isn’t old enough to fully understand what happened to his baby brother, but we still remind him that he is a big brother and that his little brother is an angel in heaven (and can fly, that’s important).
I have been able to get several photo frames updated this week! My favorite ones are these shadow box frames. We showed the photographer from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Jaxton’s newborn picture with our wedding bands around his fingers and she was able to take a similar photo of Finn. I’m so grateful to have these keepsakes of my baby boys!
One month ago today, we rushed to the emergency room shortly after midnight after noticing lack of movement and failing to find the baby’s heartbeat with my home monitor. Our worst fears were confirmed when we saw our son’s unmoving heart on the sonogram screen. By that evening, we were holding our beautiful, tiny, and silent baby boy in our arms. How I wish I was still holding him in my arms instead of this piece of paper that just came in the mail. Happy first month in heaven Finn, we love you!24