Eleven Months on Christmas Eve

Today our sweet baby would be 11 months old.

Last Christmas, I was 31 weeks pregnant and we thought we were only a couple months away from holding you. I felt you squirm as I held your newborn cousin against my belly. Last Christmas, you wanted chips and guacamole, peanut butter and jelly on toast, and dark chocolate to eat. You decided to do pilates at bedtime, because you were always a night owl like your big brother. Last Christmas, I stuck a shiny green bow on my belly and said I had to wait a little longer to see the gift inside.

Exactly one month after Christmas Eve, we saw you for the first time. We never heard you cry, or saw your eyes search for ours. Still, we loved you with that same love any parent has who gazes upon their child for the first time, a love that is stronger than death and separation combined. We held your body here on Earth as Jesus held you in heaven. Exactly one month after Christmas, we held you and kissed you for the last time, and watched them take you away.

Today we celebrate Christ’s birth. We worship the Lord as His servant David did, because while you will not return to us, we will go to you. We also celebrate that you existed and lived months before you were born, even if you never took a breath. We celebrate that you will always be our second baby boy, our son. We will always love you and remember you, even if we don’t get to be with you again until the next life. So Merry Christmas baby, you are celebrating with Jesus Himself!

Pregnant with Finn


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