It’s the Most Difficult Time of the Year

Truth. It is so, so difficult. I can hardly walk into a store without seeing “Baby’s First Christmas” stockings and ornaments. During the holidays there is a huge focus on families and togetherness that only magnifies the fact that mine will never be together in this life. In the midst of merry feel-good Christmas music I can only handle in limited doses, and holly jolly everything, there is is a big gaping hole in my life where my baby boy should be. It doesn’t feel calm, bright, or joyful. I have hope, but it’s not of the earthly variety as circumstances just seem to be looking increasingly down at the moment. Loneliness, grief, and despair. It’s like “Blue Christmas” on repeat. No, I haven’t forgotten the true reason for the season. In fact, it represents the hope I am desperately clinging to, but the reality is that I am human with human struggles and emotions, and right now the Christmas I’m experiencing is not exactly made for the Hallmark channel. It can’t be wrapped up neatly and tied with a bow. It’s Good Friday and I’m mourning because I haven’t seen the resurrection yet.

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