As some of you might know, I’m currently going through a miscarriage. It happened at 10 weeks, but our baby had stopped growing around 5 weeks and my body refused to let go for several weeks. I’m the type of person who tries to do it all even when I shouldn’t, and I over exerted myself the last couple of days. Last night, I ended up in the emergency room after losing an alarming amount of blood in a short amount of time. Fortunately everything checked out ok, but it was a wake-up call that I need to stay home, rest, and heal. Sometimes I get so wrapped up with taking care of other people and responsibilities that I forget to take good care of myself.
We’ve now had two pregnancy losses in one year, and in the physical recovery from each as well as tremendous grief and trauma, I have said yes at times when I should have said no. Since I dislike confrontation, I have allowed a few people to disregard my well being for their own self-serving desires. Every day I put on a brave face and pretend this is how my life is supposed to be, and every day I feel that empty space in my heart that reminds me it should be much different. I push myself hard to do everything I used to when I need to make changes that allow me to go at my own pace and grieve. I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally. I ask you all to please not take it personally if I say no or change plans in the coming weeks. Instead, I hope you will trust that I know and need to do what is best and most important for me and my little family right now, and that it looks much different now than in years past. We will be staying at our home for Christmas Eve and Christmas this year, and we won’t be traveling or doing any other strenuous activities until my body is ready for it.
After experiencing a stillbirth, a miscarriage feels very different. This tiny human never developed enough for us to see any tangible body, but I believe every life, no matter how small and physically developed, has a soul component that is whole and eternal, and I believe this little soul has joined his/her brother Finn in heaven. Finn can introduce me on that glorious day when we are all reunited. I’m sad that we don’t know if this baby was a boy or girl, and whether he/she would have had brother Jaxton’s eyelashes or brother Finn’s dark hair. We planted this small tree in memory of our little one we never got to see.
Over three years after we started trying and almost one year after we thought we would be bringing a baby home soon, it seems like we are no closer to that happening. However, we know God works in ways we can’t see and often outside of our comfort zone. Our journey might not look the way we thought it would and it might not be easy, but we will continue to grow abundantly in faith. We still take hope in God’s promises for our lives and family, however that might look, and we rest in His peace that surpasses all understanding. I have been repeatedly amazed with just how much people have shown they love and care about us this year. Thank you for everything, and please continue to keep us in your prayers during this especially difficult time of year.