Sides of the Heart

One year ago today, we saw our first ultrasound of baby Finn at 7.5 weeks. Even that early on, we could clearly see a head with two little eyes looking back at us, and the beginnings of arms and legs. The two sides of his heart flickered on the screen as he bounced around in the womb. His heart looked like a little bow tie in the sonogram picture, so I always imagined him wearing a bow tie in the womb. In fact, that was the inspiration behind requesting our Finn Bear to have a bow tie. We zoomed in on his heart and the beautiful sound of his strong, fast heartbeat filled the room, a sound we had waited so long to hear.

Little did we know that six months later, at this same hospital, we would see a sonogram of our baby at 35 weeks. His dark silhouette and lack of activity was obvious before we even zoomed in on his heart.  I don’t need a picture to remember how his heart looked then, its two halves motionless and silent as the technician confirmed, “It’s not moving. I’m so sorry.” It is forever burned into my memory. We heard the deafening silence that was my body without his heartbeat. However, despite the ending, I also like to remember my little Finn at his beginning, strong and seemingly playful, with a little class in the form of a bow tie.

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