Finn, Infant Loss

Last night, I dreamed that Finn came back. I held him and I could feel his feather-light weight and soft skin as though he was right there with me. In the dream, I was even thinking about how that couldn’t be possible because his body is ashes now (I often debunk my own dreams), and I said, “If this is a dream, it’s a good one” while holding Finn against me.

I had been hoping to see Finn again in a dream and this is the first time I have since he died. I also dreamed of eating a huge bowl of vanilla cream and I could taste its cold sweetness. I was about to dig into a deep dish pizza when I woke up. I haven’t had either of those foods in a while, so this seemed to be a vivid dream of experiences my body has been longing for.

Yesterday, I was talking to Jaxton about how Finn is in heaven, which is too far away for us to visit him. Jaxton said, “I know, I can fly!”. He flapped his arms, and realizing he was getting nowhere, he said “It’s not working. I want to fly like baby brother.” I feel the same way. I know it sounds a bit crazy to place so much emphasis on a dream, but when it is the only way you have left in this life to be with someone you love, it takes on new meaning. So for now, I’ll keep on dreamin’.