Infant Loss, Stillbirth

When coming home from the hospital without a baby unexpectedly, you may not be expecting a baby any longer, but your house still is. In our case, the nursery was painted, the crib was assembled, and the rocking chair was positioned. Baby toys filled the cube organizer. Newborn onesies, hats, and tiny socks were unpacked and in the closet ready and waiting for our new arrival. The only thing missing were the wall stickers that we hadn’t quite decided on yet. The pack n’ play, bouncy seat, and car seat carrier were also standing by. A double stroller traveled with us in the trunk of our car.20160102_121116

And then…. no baby came home.

I suppose the first instinct for some may have been to completely dismantle the crib, and hide away everything baby related. To me, the thought of that was unbearable. It would have been like losing my baby all over again. Even though Finn never came home to his room, it is my reminder that he did exist. It is his placeholder, and is decorated for him, just as some parents decorate the graves of their children. The nursery represents the missing person in our earthly family, and the hope I have to one day bring a child home to this room.

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Finn’s room is where his urn now rests on the cube organizer. I usually go in there every day to open the blinds and let the sunlight into the room. I imagine he would have loved the sunlight he never got to see directly. I draped his baby blanket over the rocking chair, and I sometimes sit in the quiet room rocking as I did when he was alive in my belly, thinking of what it would be like to have him here with me. I run my fingers over his blanket and reflect on the time I spent with him here on Earth, both inside and outside the womb.

As Finn’s mother, I take pride in the place I prepared for him here on Earth, but I know it can’t even compare to the room Finn’s Heavenly Father has prepared for him. I think of what a beautiful place he is enjoying now, in the presence of our Savior, surrounded by the splendor of heaven and the songs of angels. As I saved a place here on Earth waiting for him to join me, I know he is now saving a place  in heaven waiting for me to join him.

“In my Father’s house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you?” – John 14.2

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